New Alliance record ad for the outstanding “Chunks” compilation, 1981.
1. Date yourself. Write letters that you’ll never send. Write letters to old friends. Give gifts. Masturbate. Go to the movies by yourself. Dance to that guilty pleasure album on your lunch break. Go to bed at 8pm. Read comics that only you have heard of. Make a list of what makes you bad ass and crushable and babely. Make it for yourself and no one else.
2. Think about your partner with other people. Think about them together, being intimate, romantic, friendly, etc. Hell even think about them having sex. People get scared of what they don’t know- so instead make these things known! Don’t just push feelings or thoughts or ideas of them aside or pretend like certain emotions or interactions don’t exist. Don’t have your partner down play their feelings for other people either. Let everyone feel things openly and honestly.
3. Talk about your insecurities and talk about your love, but not too much that it gets overwhelming. but communicate! Communicate communicate communicate. State your needs, state what you can give and not give, State your boundaries. State what you cherish in this person. Ask what they need, ask what they can give. etc. Just talk.
4.Have this other person or people in your life! Position that person into a human being rather than a piece of art that you just pass by that looks sculpted and perfected. They are not on a pedestal and are just a dweeb like you are!! Don’t have them just be your partner’s partner but have them be your CO partner. Make that friendship intentional and radical. Get coffee! talk about life and aspirations and what your most embarrassing moments have been.
5. Give and receive genuine affirmations and think about what makes your relationship with your sweetie special as well as thinking about what you can’t give to your sweetie(s) that this other person might be able to bring to the table. Remember that we can’t supply someone with all that they need and that our bodies are capable of producing so many different types of love. We have all these different ways of feeling it and giving love and and your partner is of course no exception (and neither are you). Remember to see how you are unique and special in your own way and trust when your partner recognizes your unique bad ass-ness. Also notice how even your partner can’t supply you with everything you desire,want or need.
6. Let yourself feel jealousy and insecurity. Even people who have been poly for 30 years still feel those things. Even people who aren’t poly feel those things. Everyone feels jealousy and insecurity at some point in their life regardless of how radical they are!
The tip is to try and experience that feeling like a cloud. Notice it coming but eventually it will drift away, some slower than others, but it will in fact drift with time.
7. This is a really hard thing to come to terms with, but part of cherishing independency and polyamory is knowing that even if y’all break up that its going to be okay. You are a strong bad ass babe from hell and will grow and continue to thrive as a person. there are worse things and thats really hard to think about because losing someone you are in love with seems devastating at the time, but at least you aren’t dying in an avalanche!!A lot of peoples fears stem from being left. Get to a point in your relationship and life where you are not so emotionally dependent that that isn’t the scariest thing you can experience.
8. Work on being happy for your partner because they are (hopefully) with people that make them happy. My father once told me that how he described real love is when you are willing to have your partner die before you so that they don’t have to be the one who lives alone in mourning. While that is a stretch of an example it resonates slightly with me and poly. I feel like some of the most rewarding love experiences I have had has been when I have let go of my slightly selfish desires and have been happy just for what my partner is pursuing and what they need as a person to grow and thrive. Be happy that someone you love is happy.
reblogging myself because i’m insecure and poly and dating is scary and i need some reminders.
Bell Hooks, All About Love (via boiaesthetic)